Crying into laughter.

I must admit, when I saw the news of Phillip Seymour Hoffman's death I was not overly moved. I am typically a deeply emotional ponderer that has, over time, created a protective shell that allows me to detach from situations that I don't deem worthy of my full emotional output. Remaining objective about news that doesn't directly effect me keeps me sane.

I have read several obituaries of the late actor, those just reminding me why I hadn't liked much of his work. He played many flawed and unlikable characters veraciously, so real that I couldn't really take it. More specifically, the movie "Happiness" is among the films I have seen in my life that I wish I could un-see and has tarnished my view of nearly every visage in it. Obviously this has nothing to do with the actors personally or professionally, their performances made the story so real to me that I just couldn't take it.

As you may have guessed by now I am a comedy, romance, and fantasy gal. I love entertainment that makes me feel good, though a good crier with a hopeful ending can be beneficial for my soul too. Maybe it is because I know my threshold for tragedy and drama, I get enough "real" in daily life. I can't seem to find anything helpful about watching fatally flawed characters in dire circumstances especially when there is no promise of resolution or redemption. It doesn't make me feel good to know that I'm not alone in pain, just the opposite. Please don't get me wrong. I have a pretty blessed and kick ass life, I'm just not into emotionally torturing myself as entertainment.

Confessional exposition aside, I just didn't take too much notice of the loss of this talented man until I read an article this morning that echoed one of the few thoughts that I had had about it. I inquired of my husband just yesterday, "did you know that Phillip Seymour Hoffman had 23 years (clean)? That is crazy right?" One other thing kept nagging at me, we are talking a lot about Phillip Seymour Hoffman (his life, his death, addiction, relapse) and what it means to those struggling with addiction, but I haven't read much about the impact on the children of addiction.

I have seen recovery through the eyes of a child and relapse through the eyes of an adult child. By several sober living traditions you negate all of your clean time by a relapse. 23 years? Relapse and, you are taught, that it's as if you were using the whole of that time. Back to square one, do not pass, go, you begin again…hopefully.

My dad went into treatment for a prescription pill addiction when I was in middle school. I wasn't old enough to fully understand the scope of the situation at the time, but I've muddled together my memories, conversations as an adult with my parents, information I've read on the subject, and other loved ones' related experiences to come up with my own view. While my dad was gone, we lied to everyone where he was. I was so very confused with the whole anonymity thing. I went to Al-anon meetings, Al-a-teen meetings, and one particularly exasperating Al-a-tween meeting (I was 12, the oldest in the group and already too big for my britches). I didn't know who I could tell, I had no idea if I could even acknowledge that I knew the kids from my school that were at the meetings outside of those meetings. It became a very lonely time and I still* get a similar feeling in groups of people: unsure, slightly confused, and far away. I can only imagine what in the world my mom and dad were feeling at the time.

The focus was squarely on my dad and his recovery. So much so that is was a huge relief I felt to finally have him back after what seemed like a years in my ever changing pre-teen brain. I think it was actually only a few months, but tell me that then and I would have argued you down. We could go back to normal, begin living our lives full of possibilities. What I didn't know was what a struggle it would be, at times, for all of us in our own way.

In my world, I found that I am extremely aware of consequences to my actions. Yes, this has kept me from falling into substance abuse or mistakes that may have seriously hurt me, but it also kept me from taking many normal risks that make many people who they are as adults. I have come to the point of compulsion to be perfect so as not to hurt or shame my family. I am terrified of failure that has, in the end, paralyzed me from taking action that I cannot convince myself of a positive outcome. This is my reaction to events experienced. If you ask me, a little more intense treatment of families could be a step in the right direction when treating addicts. {side note: I have a theory of why this permeates my being to the core. The age I was when I was first introduced to this world of addiction were my formative years. It just hit me this morning the weight of the word "formative," it literally means to form. Scientific study says that around the age of 11 we have twice as many brain cells as we need, by age 13 that overstock is gone leaving on the brain cells you were actively using during that time period. WHAT? That makes a lot of sense! You become the very foundation of your adult self in those years. So, even the exact set of circumstances at a different time of development would have had a different effect on me. Not to say that it wouldn't have been lasting, just different. This is a great piece about those middle years on This American Life.}

Years later my dad confided in me that not a day went by in his near 20 years of sobriety that he didn't think of using. The absolute fear he had of relapse (and the subsequent guilt and pain a relapse would cause) kept him from seeking treatment of a degenerative spinal disc condition that ultimately cost him his career, home, quality of life, and sobriety. That's right, fear of that relapse eventually caused a relapse. How cruel.


He didn't want to have a surgery to halt the progression of his condition because of the pain medication that he would no doubt have to take to manage the pain from an extremely invasive procedure. He was also afraid that medication would not overcome the tolerance he had built up in his years of addiction, he was right. After losing his business to the inability to work in pain, losing his house to a failing business, and his independence to his condition, my dad had his surgery because he was out of options. He could no longer fear a plan for some kind of help.

I had hope that maybe we could overcome this as we had his initial trip to rehab. We could rely on each other and everything would work out I told myself with the naivety of a child. I will never forget the moment in absolute detail that he told me even though the prescription pills were prescribed to him and were being carefully monitored by my grandmother, that he considered himself relapsed and a failure. My heart still breaks for him.

What none of us knew is that he was secretly supplementing his pain medication with alcohol and his heart was already irreparably broken. By the time we discovered the clinking bottles in his suitcase during a stay with our family, it was far too late. He suffered a silent heart attack during that visit, we would later learn. The doctors explained to my sister and me that it was an unfortunate combination of genetics and substance abuse that had lead to his heart failure. The emotion on Dad's face at this doctors assertion was hard to take. Two short months after his visit with us he was in congestive heart failure, another month he was on the list for a transplant, a few more months he was taken off the list for not complying with doctor's orders, and by October he was gone.

I think Dad did his best. And that is all we can ask of those we love. What we can ask of ourselves is to love them unconditionally and not be shy to tell them so. I'm not saying that we enable addicts in our lives, but rather make decisions about them based on love and not fear. I'm sure that my dad did a bit of both, because I know he loved us very very much.  Be loving, open and honest before it is so late in the game that losing them to the disease is inevitable.

During the time when we knew we had very little of it left together we had a few very frank conversations. He wasn't into talking on the phone, he preferred texting, so we were limited to our face to face interactions. He confided in me his fear, anger, regret . . . we talked about Squidbillies and Beavis & Butthead to lighten the mood at intervals. I wasn't there when he passed, but I do know he is no longer fearful where he is now. I don't have to be afraid for him either.

So yes, this extremely public death of a person who was sober for half of his life yet died during a comparatively brief relapse should mean something. It should scare us all, but we cannot let that fear dictate how we charge forward. It should get a conversation started about how we treat the illness of addiction, how we treat those that are afflicted with it and how we support their families. Shame and guilt does not work, in fact it only keeps us from seeing this inconvenient problem. I'm dubious of the anonymous system where at a certain point the members feel tapped out and opt for a life of self treatment. The anonymous system separates the addicts from their love ones who need healing too. There must be a better balance. I don't have any answers though, just that the conversation continue, never shelved, and the stigma be removed. Addiction is a disease that can be treated and managed, not cured and surely not made better by secrecy and denial. We also need to admit that this problem affects us all, not just the addict.

Balance. Knowing that life is a series of traumas and joys, we can only hope to have the happiness outweigh the pain.

{sigh}

Jayme

It's been a while. I've missed you!

For the past couple of years (yes, it has been nearly 2 years since I last promised myself that I would once again write obsessively) I haven't missed blogging much. Either I've been too busy, I haven't cared much about writing, or some combination of the two. Recently I have found myself thinking, "I need to write about this" or "someone needs to bring this to light" or "everyone needs to know about this thing or the other". I have these thoughts on a daily basis now and my only block is that I'm not sure what to write about first. While it is true that I started this blog to keep friends and family up on the day to day of our super fun life, I currently have the desire to begin writing about a wide variety of topics. I've pondered starting a new more sophisticated and grown up blog focused on issues I find myself passionate about, but I've come to a more mommy-like conclusion. Every thought I have and decision I make is colored with my being mother to two future adults that are just as thoughtful (and I mean we are SO FULL OF THOUGHTS) as I. Consciously or not, I always think of them when I am thinking about anything. Every issue that I want to tackle will one day affect them whether it be a perpetuation of situation, the blessing of no longer having to deal with something negative, or being able to embrace something that is currently impossible. Decidedly, growing up awesome (the action and the blog) includes being thoughtful about the world around us as well as cherishing the world we have created in our home. Without further adieu, my first real blog post in a while. It may be a little different from what we're used to, but give it time. You might just like what you read.

Crossroads
The tale of Robert Johnson, the Mississippi blues musician that supposedly sold his soul to the devil for a magically tuned guitar, on Radiolab recently got me thinking. I'll be staying away from Satan, but one magical moment where I am given such a specific and grand (not to mention, marketable and money making) talent that it would be insane to deny it would be amazing. Here I am, thirty (ah-hem) something and I am paralyzed by too much choice (maybe I'm kidding myself, maybe it is actually no choice at all and I have nothing to give)…see there it goes again. There are so many possibilities that I choose none while coincidentally convincing myself that I don't have what it takes to achieve much of anything. You must understand me the way I currently understand myself: I'm a dreamer with roots in reality, an idealist that knows everything is relative, and an optimist that constantly tells herself to "get real" as if it is an ideal to aspire to. However, I am also a "do-er". I do a lot, but I get down on myself for not doing it ALL. See, I had that magical realization years ago. When Alex and I moved from Los Angeles to New Orleans I became a master of the domestic arts. I cooked, cleaned, sewed, painted, did laundry, decorated, budgeted, obsessed over details, planned parties, and I worked part time at a non-profit on my own schedule. I created a world unto myself of Alice in Wonderland proportion. Calm down feminists! It was my choice and my calling. (I'll soon cover the misconception the current feminist lens creates that staying home is lower in worth or is not to be as respected as working outside of the home. I feel this is a misunderstanding of the feminist movement altogether. Honestly, I'm not the biggest fan of specific interest group classifications..more on that later, too.) The addition of children to my bliss just made it better, a little more scattered but better. I've added several different artistic expressions and interesting skills through out the years from photography to working part time as a cheese monger. I've become a classic "Jack of all trades". I do each thing well enough to get occasionally noticed and some mild applause, but I never become a master. I know I do things that come easily to me and I get extremely frustrated when I find myself at a level that becomes challenging (read this article to understand just how I think I may have developed this tendency). I'm overly cautious of an endeavor that will take too much time to achieve. The economy of time is very important to me. I can't even imagine beginning an endeavor that will take me away from my family too much, missing years of their lives to go back to school or taking a job that will put them in daycare for most of their waking hours terrifies me. So I've thrust myself into the service industry workforce to collect cash in as few hours as possible (honestly waiting tables in this country is only a few steps above panhandling, and maybe only one step above those guys on the street corner that wash your windows without asking then expect money…check back when I break down how servers in this country get paid and who they pay…most of you will be surprised) yet I'm still missing out. The addition of this money making scheme has destroyed the precarious balance I had found. We are fed a constant stream of "follow your passion", "do what makes you happy", "find a way to turn your bliss into a career" and it just doesn't always turn out that way. Sometimes you have to put your nose to the grindstone and choose something to get by. Wow, that's bleak! Unfortunately, what I must do has worn on what I love to do.  I am torn between two worlds just so I can make a buck to hopefully give our kids a fair chance to make it in this world. A recent interview on the subject of poverty really struck a cord with me. While we are able to feed and clothes ourselves, I find that it is the need to have what society expects us to have (like soccer, dance lessons, current fashions, etc.) that led me to "go back to work".  With my equilibrium disturbed I am tired all of the time. It is hard to choose happiness and patience every morning. I feel like we rush everywhere we go. It is all passing so quickly in front of my eyes that I miss details that I really wish I hadn't. As you have probably realized at this point, I am slap in the middle of a crossroads and I don't know which way to turn. I'm pulled in every single direction. I know my financial responsibilities, but I truly wish I could abandon them for my passion…which simply is experience. Feeling, being, creating. But it all takes money, doesn't it? I hope very soon, to find the balance between bowing to the capitalist system and bucking it (just enough) for a truly transcendent  life. There is a book that I need to pick up and read Average Is Over by economist Tyler Cowen. In an NPR interview there is talk of a (I think I've got this right) bohemian revolution where people are happier with less. Strangely, in a piece that disturbed me for the most part, this gave me hope. Now I think we are caught in a place that does not value simplicity. We equate simple living with simple mindedness and lower worth (I am unwillingly part of that "we" that thinks this as much as I try not to). He also talked about the chances for upward mobility and self education being greater in his predicted future. Take a listen and let me know what you think. Change sometimes takes becoming fed up with your current situation and boy am I close to that. I want to find myself again, even if that person is different than I've ever imagined her. To be full of unbridled dreams again would be nice. A fire for something specific would be exciting. A little magic couldn't hurt.

What is going on here?

It has been so long since I blogged that I have to learn how to use blogger all over again. I'll take the change in blogger as a cue to change my bloggin' ways. Looks back soon for a reboot with a possible vow of loyal blogging and information sharing. Maybe mama can monetize with the best of them?

A Last Minute Vaca Before Cabin Fever Set In

Late on Friday night I got a call from my Mom. "We are just 4 hours away from Austin, come stay with us this weekend!" How could I say "No" the first time since our move that we could have a halfway meeting? I couldn't. At 4am the next morning I discovered it was more like 5 1/2 hours that I would be driving, but I had already said we'd be there...it would just be a little later and more time in the car with the kidlings. Thank goodness we left so early, I could not imagine driving so far with the kids in the middle of the day. It would have taken 8 hours with all of the bathroom breaks that would have made necessary. I was not a happy camper by the time we arrived. I was tired and smelled of coffee and Sonic sweet potato tots. Mom's attempts at making me feel better about the drive did not work. "This is halfway between Long Beach and Austin" (THEY did not leave from Long Beach, that is where my grandparents live) and "You used to drive this far to go to IKEA" (yes, with weeks of planning and obsessing) were not working, in fact they were making it worse. Honestly, it wasn't that bad. It would have been easier if I had planned ahead and psyched myself up for a long ride. It was a matter of going that far on a whim that made it a bit difficult. (Cute side note: while we drove Elvis cried and cried that we needed to go back home. He kept saying we need to go back to town, we don't know the way back. He was convinced I didn't know how to get back to Austin because he sure didn't. So sad and so sweet.) All that being said, it was worth the difficulty. We had a wonderful 2 days with Honey and Nana! Neither of the kids knew where we were going, so the looks of excitement on their faces when they realized who we were there to visit were priceless! We had a great time at the ball park watching Becca play, catching up on all the latest happenings, and seeing other friends. The drive back was much easier, I think, because I knew what to expect. Though, since we have been back I have been suffering from an extreme bought of cabin fever. While Alex goes to work and has interaction with adults (creative adults, no less) other than me, I sit at home unpacking and interacting with our children. When Al gets home he can barely get a word in edgewise because he is the first person who can communicate on a level I have been longing for for hours and hours. This is phase five of the stress of moving. First it is packing up your life, taking stock of all the crap you have accumulated. Second is the realization that you will be leaving your friends, family, and support system. Third is the actual moving. Fourth is unpacking, similar to the first stage in its catalyst like nature in that you want to throw everything you own out with the trash and live a minimalist lifestyle so as to never have to deal with the mountains of stuff again. Fifth comes the actualization of leaving your family, friends, and support system. I would like to move past the stress of moving and graduate to the joys of new friendships and the formation of a support system. Now please! I'm going a bit nuts here. Alex asked me last night (with a little bit of a permission here), "could you please just take it easy on yourself and just play and have fun with the kids?" I will admit that I have been on a tear to get our house in not just working order but perfect order. I may just be being too hard on myself?

Update

On his way home, Alex read my previous blog post. He is so amazing, he reads my blog! Not only that, but he stopped by Hobby Lobby and bought the fabric I left behind. He navigated all the way to the back of the store and explained the whole situation to the old ladies at the cutting table. I'm sure they had done some talking about me back there this afternoon (I should know, I used to work at a fabric store). That made it all the more difficult when the fabric we had picked out and Alex had so lovingly brought home did not go at all with the fabric I had previously purchased. I took it back this evening after dinner with a bit of guilt and no kids (another great gift: half an hour with no little voices in my head...I mean, no little kids constantly talking in my ear). I explained to Al that I would have brought it back if I had gotten it and it was the AMAZING gesture that counted. He understood. Hey, after I shed tears due to his amazing show of love, how could he not understand? My oh my, that was the sweetest thing he has done in recent memory! It was better than flowers, better than chocolate, and better than random kind words. I love my husband. Since I know he reads this I can say it here...ALEX AUSTIN, YOU ARE THE MOST AMAZING AND I AM A LUCKY GIRL TO HAVE YOU! xoxo

Bad(ass) Mommy

Honestly, sometimes I feel like my kids are seeing past my super mommy facade to view the self conscious wallflower 12 year old that would do just about anything to get someone to like her...they see right through it! The "you aren't my mommy anymore"s and the "you are despicable"s, as much as I try to ignore them, get to me sometimes. I have tried my own way of dealing with mean things my kids say in a moment of anger. We all say awful things we really mean in the moment but have no weight on our true feelings overall. Sometimes it is just too much. We went out for our library's weekly story time (they have 9 story times...awesome...but we only go to one because it is the same book all week long with a craft to follow), lunch out and an errand. Our errand consisted of us buying fabric for Ruby's new duvet cover because I severely underestimated how much we need yesterday. Of course while the lady cut our 4.25 yards of fabric Elvis just HAD to go to the bathroom. We left the fabric behind with all intentions of picking it up after our pitstop. After a 20 minute bathroom visit (you know those visits where you keep asking "are you done?") our way back to the fabric department had way too many distractions. Ruby first wanted to look at the girly room wall decor. We didn't pick anything up. The next thing caught my eye. We stopped at the poster prints since I have been on an all out mission to turn this apartment into a home complete with strategic placement of art and photos on the walls. I need something for the kitchen, and bathroom, and hallway, and... You get the point. While I perused the prints I was met with a barrage of anger filled exclamations from my five year old...only to be repeated by my three year old. The last straw was when they began to throw a bouncy ball at my butt, or so I thought that was the last straw. As I lead them out of the store without their loot and minus the bouncy ball, Ruby SPIT on me. THAT was the last straw. I bought nothing and took them directly out of the store. This is how I used to do things, but I've gotten soft. I had to keep myself from getting supplies to finish the projects I had started because those projects Ruby would benefit from and she deserved no benefits at that moment. I really want to finish the lantern I've planned on for months, but who is that lantern for? Ruby. I really want to finish the duvet, but who is it for? The girl that spit on me in public, no less. I know she shouldn't have done it anywhere, but we have made a great distinction between public and private with our kids. Let's admit it...it is worse for the victim and more deviously satisfying for the aggressor in PUBLIC! It felt good to follow my own advice, but now I'm home wishing I had my materials to finish my projects. I've had other mommy's ask me, "but what if what you need to take away from your kid is something you want too?" I guess we all have to make the decision what will be more valuable in the long run? Teaching your little one the right lesson or getting something you want? You'll teach them a lesson either way so it might as well be one that shapes a person you actually want to be around in the future.

The People Under the Stairs and other excitement...

Moving so far away from the place we've called home for five years (ah-hem...the longest I've lived in one place since Madison in high school) has had its, shall we say, interesting moments. We chose our current location based on Great Schools ratings and access to public transportation. Let me say, we lucked out. This place is extremely beautiful! It's proximity to Austin is fantastic: close enough (and on the light rail line) to go in whenever to experience everything ATX has to offer and far enough away to avoid any of the drama we have tired of. I have anything and everything I could possibly need within a mile or two. You name it, we've got it. The area reminds me of the fictional town of Agrestic from one of my favorite shows, Weeds. All the ticky tacky little houses all the same, someone always jogging on the beautifully manicured trail, nice cars, smiling faces, and not a bit of litter...anywhere. That is, except for an exceptional radius around our downstairs neighbor's patio (we have a small area of nature preserve that our apartment faces...it is free from debris except for right in front of our apartment). Let me say, they are the exception! Every other apartment here, save the questionable patio decor choices, is well taken care of and clean. I swear, our second day here there was a used tampon applicator in the flower bed in front of their patio! They don't seem to be able to shut their front door without slamming the crap out of it, they let their children (there seems to be at least 4) run wild unattended at all hours (the 5 year old was out at midnight last night and the one just a bit older was, at 10:30 last night, throwing a ball using our door as a backstop), and a few days ago I am sure they got an eviction notice. Their little one Ruby's age, was sitting outside the door holding it when we left to run errands. She asked me to read it to her. I just couldn't, especially because she thought it was from "the skate park(?)". I can't help but wonder when in the world they will be gone. I feel bad for them, so bad that I have to keep myself from taking the little ones into my home and feed them dinner. Every time we come in contact with the kids they seem starved for attention, or at least positive attention. For a number of days they would endlessly knock and ring the door bell (at the same time) shouting "it's me," each time asking if my kids could come out and play. After explaining that they are not allowed to play outside without me, I was met with the look of "woman, are you insane?" The knocking has stopped, I think they've realized that Ruby and Elvis won't be having the run of the place like they do. I know I won't be able to choose their friends an where they go forever, but at 5 and 3 I think it is acceptable that I do so now. I let them talk and hang out when I'm around (this tends to be limited to walking to and from the car, mail or trash compactor) but I am not going to be the adult tag along to the shenanigans of the gang of kids downstairs. I just don't think I have the wherewithal to take them on right now, so all I can do is pray for them and make sure to keep my interactions with them as positive as possible. Lead by example, maybe? It is such a confusing situation. I find myself angry at the adults and wanting to shy away from the kids because they are just so needy. On top of it all, they are heavy smokers (the adults, not the kids i hope!) rendering our patio unusable in tandem. I love apartment living, but sometimes it really comes down to your neighbors to shape your experience. I try to be a good neighbor and hope I am.

On a more hilarious note. At Whole Foods on Saturday we saw Rip Esselstyn, author of The Engine 2 Diet. He and his comrades from Engine 2 in Austin are known as the "Vegan Firefighters". His book is amazing and has been life changing for so many people and he is super inspiring. When Alex pointed him out shopping with his kids I was super excited....then I took a look at what was in my basket. Now, I had tons of fresh veggies, vegan "meat" crumbles, sprouted grain bread, Quorn, balsamic vinegar, Daiya (vegan cheese sub) and.....the off limits to E2 lovers...a gallon of 2% milk (which only the kids drink, I comfort myself...but there is an entire section in his book dedicated to the idea that veganism is great for kids), low fat sour cream (hey, at least it is low fat, yes?), a big ole tub of strawberry yogurt (to make homemade popsicles), and a giant pack of cheddar cheese slices. For goodness sake, we spotted him while we were at the Candy Island buying Ruby a milk chocolate covered marshmallow (which she shared with us all, it was the size of a BIG cupcake). In our copy of the E2 book Rip wrote a note to Alex, "Plant strong! Drop the cheese and lose the roll! Go, Alex, go!" I just wanted to hide. I know we eat healthier than most, but how in the world can I approach this man (who I really wanted to meet) with my basket full of what I know he sees as toxic. I can't say to him how much I enjoyed his book and how I really believe in what he has to say when I am not following his advice and my beliefs...all because I LOVE CHEESE! I do, it tears up my insides, but I LOVE CHEESE! I did the only thing a sane but slightly insane person would do...I ran. I ran as Alex laughed. It was priceless.

Also, I have been sucked into Pinterest! I know, some of you are saying to yourselves, "FINALLY!" It has been amazing in helping me get our house in order. It is like obsessive listing with visual aides and I LOVE IT!

Super delinquent post...we've had a weird year and we moved!

I haven't gotten back to blogging like I've promised myself and all of you. I really wanted to, I swear! We have just had the strangest year of our lives that was tied up with a move across state lines. Alex got a job at the flagship Whole Foods Market, and just in time. We had to be out of the house we were at by the end of February and the store wanted him to start work on March first. Thank goodness we found an apartment before he even interviewed! We knew our timeline was completely wacky so we decided to spend the money for the application fees "just in case". Thank goodness we did. Everything with this move just worked out so well, it was nothing short of divine! We are all so excited to be in a new town that seems to really suit us that the great distance between us and those we love hasn't really hit us yet. Every day is getting less and less like vacation, though. There are a lot of changes going around with the Austin family. Al's new job (an awesome one, might I add), Ruby will be staying home until she starts Kindergarden in the fall (which means I will be back to homeschooling for a few months...Elvis could use the learnin' too), and I have decided to go back to school (probably not until we establish residency, though...it takes one year). In my efforts to get my nerd on, I've decided that I will relaunch my photography efforts to raise money for school. I'm currently working on some more modern fresh branding that will hopefully help me in ATX...my current look is pretty dated.

Keep it Awesome!

Two in one day...on a roll!

A few photos from the past few months:

Figs from the tree in our back yard! Elvis helped me pick them all.

AUGUST

My sweet boy giving me a flower.

AUGUST

Ruby all dressed up (in her brother's western wear) for the ZELC Tricycle Trail Ride!

SEPTEMBER

Ruby rode the maximum number of laps around the trail. She had been practicing at home for weeks!

SEPTEMBER

UUMC Harvest Festival/Halloween

OCTOBER

Ruby played the part of the Virgin Mary in the Christmas play at church. They were such a cute miniature Holy Family!

DECEMBER

So my first try to reclaim blogging didn't quite work...TAKE 2!

Promised first day of school picture. That's my girl excited and totally READY!

I missed blogging a couple of days, that turned into a week, that turned into a month, that turned into a few months. With my focus otherwise claimed and being a bit embarrassed I just didn't even try. Now that I'm going through photos deciding which will be part of our Christmas package of photos to family, I've realized how much I've wanted to share with whoever (if anyone) ever reads this. We've had birthdays (two in quick succession), milestones galore, sold our house, floundered a bit, volunteered a bunch, prayed a lot, watched bellies grow (so many beloved babies have been and are about to be born), Skyped, loved, argued, taken up, given up....man, we've lived some life! With Ruby an accomplished school girl and Elvis a veteran at one on one interaction, I would say that we are settling into our new roles nicely. I'm no longer working outside the home (possibly my last chance for that in a while) giving me the opportunity to focus on the overwhelming to do list that I never stopped making while I was otherwise occupied with gainful employment. I think I may be busier than I was before.

On the day of their birthday party at Bouncing Tigers: my first time to give up control of a birthday party and it was still a success! Alex and I just had a conversation of the benefits of using shortcuts. He and I have an aversion to them, but we are realizing that some shortcuts can get us to the exact same place!

Until next time, I'm hopeful that it won't be months from now! xoxo

First day of School, take two!

Ruby on her first day of PreK

Last year Ruby started school at our church and it didn't turn out to be what she (or we) needed. This year we are in Zachary and she just started PreKindergarten at the Zachary Early Learning Center. It is a public school that is exclusively PreK. All of the Zachary schools are set up like this with only a couple grades per school. All of the kids in the district end up going to the same schools all throughout their learning career. According to my mom (the school law expert), all of the data shows this is the optimum way to set up a district. I must say that there is a tremendous sense of community here due to, at least in part, the school district set up. We all cheer for the same team, we all buy the same uniforms, we all deal with the same rules and administrators. If you have nothing else in common with people in this town, you have the schools in common. It is pretty amazing.

Ruby had her first day this past Friday, and she loved it. Today she gets to meet all of the boys in her class (the first two days they had boys attend alone then girls), which she has been looking forward to all weekend. For her first day she was totally Hello Kitty'ed out. She had HK shoes, an HK cover up for nap time, and an HK backpack. I have a lot of pictures that I just haven't uploaded yet...look back for those soon! She brought her lunch in her new lunch bag...PB&J, Pirate's Booty, cherry jello and limeade in her Hello Kitty thermos. I mean, really, she is the super coolest prekindergartener in the whole world!

A Day in the Life

Two Fridays ago, both Alex and I had to call in to work because our beloved Jeep was having problems. After much research (thanks Car Talk website) we surmised that we had a dead air compressor causing the belt to burn up as we drove filling the car with toxic smells throughout the unairconditioned car. Of course, strapped for cash and wanting some sort of fix, Alex watched You Tube video after You Tube video on how to bypass the air compressor with a shorter belt. This did not work. BLAH! The only shop that could help us that day (and the one with the cheapest estimate) was 25 miles away near our old house. Alex drove the Jeep, toxic fumes and all, in to Baton Rouge alone. We followed after some playtime to pick up Dad and wait for the car to be healed. . .

Alex working on the Jeep

Al's little helper

Playtime started with a sighting of an old friend. A couple of months ago, the kids went to Long Beach with their Honey and brought back a tiny frog from Mimi and Papa's yard. They were so excited to see a bigger frog and Ruby started squealing "LOOK MOMMY, ELVIS'S FROG FROM MIMI AND PAPA'S!"

Checking out the little froggy

For her third birthday Ruby got this skateboard, but we really didn't have any place for her to play with it at the green house. Now, at Honey's, she has a really long driveway to carve up and get scrapes and scabs!

One of our favorite pastimes is drawing. Whether it be with chalk on the carport or pen on paper, these two kids of ours LOVE LOVE LOVE to draw. We have stacks and stacks of paper that have the most interesting drawings on them. I have so many that I am currently turning some of their line drawings into a backdrop for this blog. We'll see just how long that takes!

Elvis's sweet little artist's hand

Elvis's MONKEY...amazing for not yet 3!

We finally made it away from the house to pick up Alex at the mechanic's. We rode around while the kid's took a nap in the back seat, dropped by Goodwill (where the only one of us to find anything was Ruby who nabbed a cool princess dress), then headed to Menchie's (our favorite FroYo spot) to wait for a call from the shop with our fixed car.

Ruby drew this on the board at Menchie's to go with the bigger drawing that was already there

After we got home and had some supper, Ruby made an awesome tower with plastic cups. She named it Ruby's PENTEEGON. That's my girl...being so super cool!

One last picture to cap off this good time...it isn't from that day, but well worth sharing. When he first did this he said "Look Mommy, I can FLY!"

xoxo

Insomniac

Once again I am finding myself unable to sleep. I can trace it back to starting back at work a year ago. Working double shifts three times a week has gotten my clock all screwed up. I can't fall asleep at night and can't wake up at a decent time in the morning. When I do succeed in waking up before the kiddies, I end up pulling an insane amount of waking hours. This evening I have already uploaded my most recent wedding's proofs, cleaned out the fridge and freezer (whilst waiting for said proofs to upload), combed Craigslist for places to live in Austin (my newest coping mechanism...it always makes me happy), washed dishes (I have more to wash now that I cleaned out the refrigerator), and now I'm blogging through my delirium waiting for more photos that I've taken of the family goings on this week to share on this here blog (insert countryfied accent here). All the while, I am dead tired but for some reason I keep on going. In part, I keep going because I'm afraid I won't have the energy or time to do any of these things later so I should strike while the iron is hot. Only, I'm not so hot right now. I may just pass out right here on these keys. I should really go to bed. That's something I've said so much lately. I've said it on nights like these, when I haven't noticed the time passing until the sun rises then I try to force myself to sleep until the kids "wake me up." This sounds so much like complaining, and maybe I am. Normalize, balance, contain the chaos. What to do? What to do? There is no way I'm posting a coherent blog tonight. This is all I have in me...maybe it is time I put on my p.j.s and gave sleeping a try.

A Year and a Half Later...

Life has thrown us some curve balls in the last year and a half. I've really missed blogging and think about getting to it all the time. I suppose today is the day.

Ruby is almost 5 and Elvis almost 3. The changes in their physicality and personality are too numerous to list...see for yourself!

December 2010

The Austin Fam, December 2010

A year and a half in review...The beginning of 2010 brought my

setting up my photography business's Facebook page which automatically set me up for a personal one. It sucked me in. The allure of "keeping up" with every single person I have ever known grabbed me and wouldn't let me go. But now with all of the things that have happened to our family in the last few months I've realized that I need to focus more on MY FAMILY than everyone else's. I tried to keep a paper journal for my kids, but that lasted all of two weeks at a time sporadically for about 6 months. I was really dedicated to this blog for a while and hope to be so again. Big changes came in July of last year when we needed a boost in income so I reentered the workforce (at a starting position and wage in the only industry that I feel comfortable just slipping into...the service industry...a whole vault of other stories for other times). That first job was short lived until I got a position in November at Whole Foods. In August we welcomed a new addition to the Austin family. Alex's sister, Jenny, got married to Frank whom she met just before my last post. It is a romantic story that rivals mine and Alex's. They met at LAX helping one another find their connecting flight (the same one...they were on their way back from Italy to San Francisco). They are happy as pie now living in beautiful Switzerland! Past a haze of working through and living through the holiday season we ended up on the other side in one piece. Getting frustrated with our house not selling (it has been on the market since August of last year because due to the financial climate our "transitional" neighborhood was making the opposite transition it was geared up for when we bought) we got the biggest shock to our family life in April. On April 1 (yep, April fools day) at around 10 in the morning a stray bullet flew through the kids' room missing Ruby by only feet. Even with the shock and fear I was sure God had shined a white light on us all. I had been in that spot only minutes before and all experience said Elvis should have been right there when it happened. You see, Ruby was on the potty. The bullet hit the vanity mirror above the sink. Usually when Ruby is on the potty, Elvis is at the sink playing in the water. But that day, he wasn't! Thank the LORD! Gun shots heard at night can be ignored or explained off to other causes. A stray bullet through your children's room cannot! We were packing up my car and my mom's van while the police were still at the house. We've been living with her since. We are still paying our mortgage, keeping our utilities on so as not to look too desperate, and spending more money on gas than we had ever intended (my mom lives 30 miles out of the city and work). Since then we have been trying to get a leg up: Cleaning out and fixing up the house on days we can find the time, struggling to retain some normalcy for the little ones (it's been hard), searching for options to get us out of this mess. As much as the kids love being with their Honey and Nana so much, this just isn't ideal. I'm not even going to touch on my recent medical woes in this post. So, as you can read it's been a crazy more than a year. I wish I had been documenting it! I think blogging is so much more personal and cathartic than stupid Facebook. FB has it's place, but I've been going overboard with it to the point of having it be my only sense of connection to the world at large. I have more to say than the occasional status update and I know it it more fulfilling on my side to write like this (writing about my family keeps me more plugged into my family). Maybe it's more fulfilling for you to read the "rest of the story".

Other things of note since I last wrote:

-I watched through my camera lens as friends and family got married..I started shooting WEDDINGS!

-I made a some new amazing friends that I will have for a lifetime!

-Last summer was the summer of Art Night every Wed with the Amanda and Scott who are now the VonSteads (formerly Vaughn and Stead...awesome, huh?)...Amanda proclaimed when we first met "we are going to be friends" and we haven't looked back since. We've watched them get married, been among the first to know they were pregnant, and encouraged them to go for their dreams. They are moving to Oregon in two weeks for amazing opportunities for the both of them. We will miss them so much, but know that their future is so bright & we'll find a way to be a part of it!

-Even though I've been shooting weddings...my photography has really slacked off since I started working. I'm a stay at home mom with a part time job (sounds easy in theory, but it really sucks)...it is so hard that I can't seem to find time to do much photography in between all of my responsibilities. I will, someday!

-Ruby started school in August, but we pulled her out a few weeks later. I've since joined the board of the school (it is our church's school) to help pull it out of it's slump. It has been really exciting being able to use my love of research and writing toward a goal that is so much bigger than just me. I love the way I feel when I use my mind to solve such complex problems...the politics of it all have been really frustrating, but we seem to be getting past that so we can get some real work done...school starts in a few weeks! I've also made a few great friends along the way...bonus!

-We've been regular church goers and Sunday School attendees for the past 2 years. It is so amazing to have built such a great community around us at church. It is refreshing to have people who like us for who we are and are open to our views. We love our Sunday School class, they are our soft place to fall at least once a week...everybody needs that! They are surely friends for a lifetime! ALEX chose our current study..pretty amazing for a guy that never wanted to go in the first place!

-Ruby has had 2 dance recitals. She's a pro now! She'll be starting her third year of dance in August and Elvis will be starting his first. I'm hoping to get Ruby started with soccer this year, too!

I know I am missing at least a year's worth of details. There is no way I could go back over it all. I'm going to try and start fresh, get it all out there for my kids to see when they want a family history. Come along on our journey for whatever reason. You can laugh with us, cry with us, and feel like you aren't alone! It's a crazy life for my little tribe!

xoxo Jayme

find me on facebook

Hello everyone! I know, I know! It has been way too long since I posted a new blog. I've been sucked into the Facebook world and it won't let go! I do promise to post an update soon, but in the meantime find me & my photography site (you know you want to be my fan) on Facebook!

Merry Christmas!

Day one of feeling halfway normal was, of course, Christmas Eve. Thankfully the shopping for Ruby and Elvis was done by my Mom and Grandmother (THANK YOU SO MUCH!), but there were a couple of other things I needed to get done so off we went into the day before craziness. When we got the kids' Santa pictures done on Christmas Eve last year I swore that that was the way we would do it from now on...and so we did (only not because I had remembered my resolve...I'll scan a post them soon). There was no line for photos and plenty of last minute sales for those last minute gifts. I have to admit that this years gift giving went off better than I can remember it ever going. I didn't stress myself out, I got what I could get, and had a better Christmas day for it (it did help that the only hand I had in buying for the kids was choosing a theme and cutting a check...oops, I haven't even done that last part yet...I will soon!).

Day two of feeling well was Christmas Day and it was great! We stayed the night at my Mom's because due to my flu I didn't even put up a tree and EVERYONE knows Santa leaves presents under trees! This year, the year Ruby actually started ASKING for specific gifts (just one really...a Princess and the Frog doll), she "called" every gift before opening it. Ruby is just too smart! It was like she was performing a parlor trick when she was handed a package. Rubes would quite accurately tell everyone what was inside the paper, unwrap it and say "I LOVE IT!" The amazement only gave way when her thankfulness did the same. The last few packages were met with "I do not love THAT!" Note for next year: curb the number of gifts. We don't tend to buy too much (or much at all for that matter), but with me being sick a few people took our little ones under their wings buying for them as if they were there own...it overwhelmed me and Alex with emotion and overwhelmed the kids as well. Thank you to those who know who you are! After a probably 10 wrapping paper roll morning, we headed to my grandparents' house 2 hours east of BR in Long Beach, MS. A big pot of gumbo and all of my Mom's siblings & their families awaited our arrival. The food, gifts and blessings were plentiful! After visiting with my Dad and his sister, Aunt Kim, we headed home fueled by 16 oz. coffees so that Alex could be at work at 6 am on the 26th.

I couldn't ask for a more wonderful Christmas!

Love to all of you and our family & friends we weren't able to be with on Christmas! We were with you in our hearts! xoxo

The MeRa Koh SOAR Scholarship

I know I have the flu, but I HAD to get this video done! Check it out and let me know what you think. Also, check out Me Ra's SOAR website: www.soarwithmera.com

Update

Hi all! Yes, we are back from our super long trip to California. Unfortunately I brought a little something back with me...the FLU! I had a postitive flu test yesterday (yes, I MUST be feeling bad to go to the doctor on a SUNDAY). My grandparents kept Ruby and Elvis this weekend to give me and Alex a little vaca, so they haven't gotten sick. They have, however, been taken by my grandparents to Long Beach while I am in quarantine. I was planning to do all of my Christmas decorating, shopping, and visiting with friends when we got back on the 18th, but it looks as if none of that will happen this year! HAHAHA! I should be MUCH BETTER for NEW YEARS EVE/DAY! Not that we have plans, yet...or at all! :) This will be a sad lonely week leading up to a less than usual Christmas...but I am choosing to look at the positive: NO COOKING FOR A WEEK, UNINTERRUPTED SLEEP, and a REAL RESON for it all!

xoxo

Away We Go

We are leaving tomorrow morning....well, I guess it is this morning...for California. It is the first time we have been since Ruby was about 6 months old or so. I am really excited as is the rest of our fam! Of course, the night before we leave we get SNOW in LOUISIANA! Freak weather occurrence just HAS to happen right before we fly out...LOVELY.

I probably won't be blogging much if any while we are visiting Cali, but I've slacked and stopped blogging for weeks at a time before. I'll be thinking of you all when I'm at In and Out Burger (yeah, I'll eat meat for that place) and maybe I'll take a few pictures of my Double Double Animal Style!

xoxo

The Turkey Has Lost Her Voice

I am my grandfather's "turkey" and I lost my voice on Thanksgiving. OH JOY! I have been sick since last Saturday and still, a week and a half later, have no voice among other ailments. Enough belly aching...

Thanksgiving was fun at my grandparents' house. My cousin, Cory, was home from Camp Lejeune for the holiday so we celebrated with lots of family. We had a little photoshoot that morning so I could get a few good photos of Ruby and Elvis. Being a photographer you would think I would have plenty of nice pics of my kiddos, but getting them all dressed fancy and cooperating isn't something that happens often with us. Go figure! Here a few choice shots from our Turkey Day fun!

Ruby in the fort Papa built.

Elvis checking it out.

Elvis and Charlie driving the golf cart.

Papa helping Elvis slide down the slide from the fort's new porch.

Our cousin Sarah lost a tooth while she was Thanksgiving day feasting.

Ruby riding "Trigger" the recycled tire horse swing.

Chandler holding Ruby's hand and making sure she doesn't get hit by cars pulling out of the yard. Good job, man!

AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!

Chilling in the golf cart with Charlie.

Ruby told me today "Mommy, Alex is YOUR prince!" So true, so true.

BFFs!

"The bear in my belly is SO FULL!"

We have so much to be thankful for! xoxo